If I Had a Gun
by spooningthemoon
Summary: "I'm in love with this club," her voice trembled, thick with emotion. "I'm in love," she smiled sadly. The words bubbled up his throat without any input from his mind. He called her name. Starts from season 2 episode 4. AU. Title inspired by a song. On hold until I can overcome writer's block on this story. Will be working on other projects until then.
1. Hope I Didn't Speak Too Soon

**A/N: As far as whether this fic is a oneshot or an ongoing thing... I honestly have no idea at this point, all I know is I binge watched Oregairu over the span of a few days and thoroughly fell in love with it. And I'm a very unapologetic Hikigahama shipper.**

* * *

 **Chapter One: Hope I Didn't Speak Too Soon**

"I'm in love with this club," Yui smiled. Her eyes glittered in the gilded sunset, sparkling with looked like tears. Hachiman was silent, unsure of what to say.

Again, she spoke. Her voice was thick with emotion and her eyes shimmered like jewels, with a matured intensity so unlike her normally youthful self.

"I'm in love."

The smile on her face took a bittersweet turn, her lips twisted and the lower one trembled; water nearly fell from her eyes before she looked away and wiped them. She opened her mouth to speak again, her smile back in place.

"Yuigahama"

"Anyways, I-"

They spoke a the same time. Hachiman's voice surprised even himself. He hadn't intended it to be so loud. Normally, he would have spoken in scant a whisper, one that would have been lost in the girl's own voice. But not this time. His eyes darted up, away from the bike at his side and to the girl in front of him. A blush colored her cheeks, her mouth was slightly agape, her arms hung limply at her sides and something like... Hope? Seemed to be in her eyes. Whatever he was going to say, Hachiman realized there was no turning back at this point. He nudged his bike's kickstand with his foot, propped it on the ground, took a step forward. Yui, a few paces away seemed to lean in. The flush on her face deepened slightly, her body leaned in almost imperceptibly. But to someone like Hachiman, someone who always watched, always read between the lines... He saw the signs as clearly as the signs he tried to ignore the night they watched the fireworks together and he walked her home. This was absolutely the point of no return.

"I... You..." He tried futilely to put what was in his mind to words. Has his voice always been this abrasive and dead? His throat tensed and felt sore, the words were ricocheting in his head, but he had nothing to say what he felt. This was what everyone had been warning him about, this inability to change his ways even once, when he truly wanted to. The expression on Yui's face faltered, her bottom lip began to tremble again. She thought he was rejecting her.

He panicked, he wasn't sure what else to do. He lunged forward, and she yelped. He engulfed her in his arms, wrapped one around her waist and the other around her upper back, hand stroking the back of her hair.

What was he doing?

She melted into his embrace, and the barely repressed tears from earlier came flowing down. Her shoulders were quaking as she laced her arms around him and held on like he was the only thing keeping her in this world.

"H-hikki..." Her voice was a hoarse whisper as she brought her head up from where it was buried in his chest, sniffling.

Hachiman felt blood rushing to his head... This was the closest he had ever been to her, and it was too much but still not enough. The hand on the back of her head migrated to the side of her face, cupping her cheek and running its thumb against the smooth creamy skin. He felt like he was watching the scene unfold from above. Yui's tears continued to trickle down her face as a smile, tortured and ecstatic twisted its way over her perfect features.

"There's no reason to cry, Yui."

It wasn't lost on her that he used her first name. The colors around them shifted from gold to a soft pink. Why did his voice still sound so harsh?

"Th-thank you Hi-... Hachiman," Yui's voice had softened, and remained slightly nasally in the wake of her crying spell. Her skin glowed in the dying sunlight and appeared to glitter like the stars themselves, polished with her freshly shed tears. Her eyes, slightly bloodshot still shimmered with as much depth as before. The two of them were frozen, arms wrapped around one another. Their breaths came in slow, even measures that left a rolling percussion over the near perfect silence around them. Nobody else was in this area of town, all the other students had long since left for home, and even Yukino had left.

Yui closed her eyes, leaning into Hachiman's hand, savoring the feeling of his body pressed up against hers, his warm breaths gently washing over her face like soothing waves on the beach. A small sigh escaped her lips. The sky's colors shifted from pink to a deep red.

Hachiman felt himself leaning in, felt his own eyes beginning to close. He still felt like he was in the backseat of his own body, but at this point he didn't care. His lips were a hair away from connecting to Yui's, he paused as if pressing into the kiss would shatter the delicate moment. Yui briefly tensed up, and then relaxed as she understood what was going on. She leaned forward to close the distance.

Suddenly, with their lips a hair away from one another, thunder cracked in the sky above them. Caught off guard, the pair jumped and disentangled from one another.

"It looks like a storm is coming," Hachiman's voice shook. His heart was racing, he noticed.

"Y-yeah it looks like it! We should probably get going then," Yui spoke uncharacteristically softly, rubbing one of her arms with the other.

"I could... walk you back if you'd like." His offer was cautious and stiff, he had slipped back into his usual manners again.

"N-no! No you don't have to, I'd feel terrible if you got caught in the rain because of me." Yui took a few steps backward as she spoke, the gap between two of them widened again.

"Suit yourself." Hachiman nodded.

"Bye-bye, Hikki!" Yui flashed him a peace sign, turned, ran in the opposite direction.

Hachiman was silent. A particularly fat raindrop hit him in the middle of his head. He grumbled something under his breath, walked over to his bike and silently rode home. He couldn't let Yui become president, nor could he let Yukino be president. Not if he wanted to preserve the club. But why did he want to preserve it? He didn't care, did he?

If he didn't care, why would he have nearly kissed Yui? Why would he eat all of the burnt cookies she made him? Why would he be thinking about a way to keep the club together for her -

Wait. For her?

Hachiman's thoughts ground to a halt as his bike slammed into the curb at the end of the crosswalk he'd been biking on. Instinctively, he stuck his hands out to break his fall as his knee struck the edge of the curb.

"Damn!" He hissed. His hands and right knee had rubbed against the concrete, and droplets of blood began forming on the wounds. Hachiman brought himself to his feet, picked up his bike and walked the rest of the way to his house.

By the time he made it back, the rain was pouring and even his one unruly curl had been flattened he was so thoroughly drenched. His hands and knee hadn't really scabbed over thanks to the rain, and so blood was liberally coating his black uniform pants, and leaving dilute puddles behind him as he trudged toward his house.. Hachiman tiredly put his bike to rest in the garage and half limped into the house. Komachi was sprawled on the couch lazily flicking through channels as the door opened. She looked over the edge of the sofa, saw his soaked upper half, and giggled.

"You look like you had a nice ride home! You should change out of those clothes before you get sick."

Hachiman grunted in response, hiding his hands in his pocket and keeping his cut knee hidden from view. Komachi flopped off of the couch, scrambling after her brother as he grabbed his pajamas and haphazardly threw them into the bathroom.

"Are you okay, onii-chan?" He always had been a bit grumpy but today seemed like a different sort of withdrawn moodiness, and his pants were torn Komachi noticed.

"Fell. I'll be fine, I'll talk to you in a bit." Hachiman huffed, shutting the bathroom door and turning on the shower.

Komachi shook her head. She ran down to the living room, grabbed a tube of ointment from one of the cabinets, left it on his bed, and padded back to the living room. She had some TV to watch.

* * *

 **A/N: This felt okay ish to write? I'm not entirely sure if it's decent or not, I'll probably go ahead and reread and post an edited version of this chapter in the future. In addition, if anybody wants to beta read for me, feel free to PM or even say so in a review. Thanks so much to whoever takes the time to read this, and have a lovely day!**


	2. Give You Back a Dream

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read the first chapter of this fic, and an even bigger thanks to everyone who has favorited/followed/reviewed, you guys definitely have made me feel motivated to keep writing this! Once again, if anybody decides they'd be interested in beta reading or something (with credit given in the description of all beta read chapters), my inbox is open and you can also mention that in a review and I could PM you. That said, I hope you guys enjoy.**

* * *

 **Chapter Two: Give You Back A Dream**

When Hachiman left the bathroom, the ambient sound of the television was joined by a series of _pap pap paps_ as Komachi made her way back to her brother.

"Now will you tell me what's got you so agitated, onii-chan?" The interest in her voice was plain as she wiggled her arms, sleeves from a sweatshirt covered her hands and a mock pout was on her lips. They were in his room, and he was putting his wet laundry to hang over a doorway.

He spoke blandly, "Oh... Well, I fell on my bike ride home." He

Komachi's posture stiffened, her smile fell off her face, she tensed her shoulders and spoke in an equally monotone voice, "Those who choose to be bitter over the happenstances of fate are fools. Fate is totally random, and given that there are far more bad outcomes in this universe than good, one whose mood is dependent on chance will always be miserable. Source: me."

Hachiman snorted and started on a walk from the simple room to the kitchen. The big wheel in Komachi's head seemed to be turning as she threw out question after question; Hachiman grunted a negative response to each of them.

"Is it a request for your club? Is it a school assignment? Is it really just that you fell? Is it that you have to buy new clothes now?"

Komachi propped herself up on the counter in the kitchen, eyebrows furrowed and index finger tapping her chin in mock deep thought. She kicked her feet and stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and tentative words escaped her mouth.

"Is it about a girl?"

* * *

"Hikki!"

Hachiman jolted up from where he sat in his seat, reverie dispelled as he looked up at Yui, who seemed to be getting impatient. She opened her mouth again.

"Are you coming to the club today?"

"S...sorry," the loner muttered, grabbing his bag and nodding. He made sure to shove his scabbed hands deep into his pockets.

Normally when they walked to the club there was some sort of conversation for at least part of the walk, but this time an awkward silence fell over the two of them. There was static in the air. Hachiman didn't know how to work around it, and whatever insights Yui may have had about the boy seemed to have been turned on their head after what happened yesterday.

 _Hachiman's arms, wrapped around her._

They ascended the stairs.

 _His hand cupping her cheek. A thumb caressing her face._

The upper hall was empty. Their footsteps, synchronized, filled the silence with sharp staccato _clacks_.

 _Their lips, a hair's width away._

The two of them stopped in front of the club room. Yui felt his eyes boring a hole into the back of her head. She paused with a hand tenderly touching the door, took a deep breath.

 _Thunder cracked._

The door slid open.

"Yahallo, Yukino!"

The same smile, that same resigned smile, played on Yukino's face. "Hello, Yuigahama-san, Hikigaya-kun."

There was no tea in the room. Yui took her place at Yukino's side. Hachiman sat in his own chair. The silence was unbearable. Yui made a strained attempt at small talk.

So she felt the same way, too.

Suddenly, Hachiman had an idea. One that just might work. He realized that his previous plan didn't appeal to the one think Iroha cared about - her self image! So if he could find a way to appeal to that, he could talk her into the presidency and save the club for Yu - for no one in particular. He had to get to work immediately. He need everyone he had done a favor for in the past. He packed up his bags, Yui looked at him with hurt eyes and Yukino regarded him with a dispassionate stare.

"I need to go."

"Oh, okay..." Yui's small voice sent a pang through his heart. Had he always been this sensitive?

"Don't keep yourself on our accounts," Yukino's icy response felt normal. At least some things never changed.

He hurried out of the room. He needed a team to make this work. And he needed to convince Iroha. That goal in mind, he left for the library. Yoshiteru would be there.

* * *

"Oh onii-chan, you've really done it this time!" Komachi's laugh hung in the air between them.

"I know. I don't even understand why I would have reached out to her." His voice sounded foreign and harsh against his ears. Has he always been so monotone?

Her reply was fierce, "You can't let them run for presidency, you have to fix this!"

"Why? It's not like I have any reason to care. If they think they're doing what's best then that's that."

That was a lie, and they both knew it. Hachiman hated himself for saying something so false, but what else did he have? He couldn't understand it. Why did he start to care? There was one possible answer that came to mind; a concept so ugly and loathsome that he refused to even _think_ the words, lest they be true.

Komachi smiled and reached out to her brother, grabbing his wrist. "Then do it for me, because I can't stand the thought of you being alone again, onii-chan."

She giggled, "That scored a lot of points in my book!"

She was choosing to let him get away with his lie, and giving him the reason he so desperately wanted to save Yu-... To save the Volunteers Club.

* * *

Sitting in his chair, a week later, while Iroha spoke to Yui and Yukino, Hachiman thought back on what he had done to ensure the former's election.

He and his team had formulated a plan to ensure Iroha would want to take the presidency. They mined data. Between him, Saki, Saika, Komachi, and Yoshiteru they'd run several different campaigning accounts for different students, and got as much support as possible for their alleged campaigns, and they then changed the names to Iroha's. In short order they then printed that list, and gave it to her. Hachiman, papers in hand, then had to convince her that the presidency wasn't too much work.

That had been the thing he was most concerned over. But it had went off without a hitch.

He reminded Iroha that between the presidency and her membership on the soccer team, and being a freshman, that she had the perfect excuse to cut corners in practice or with the student council whenever she wanted. After that, she decided that she actually wanted the presidency again. In short order, she went to the Volunteers Club with Hachiman after classes, and informed them of the new development, and told them, in more words or less, that he had resolved the entire situation for her.

"Well... Thank you, Hikigaya-kun. If things have been resolved, I suppose that we can conclude today's meeting," Yukino's eyes narrowed at Hachiman, perhaps in suspicion, as her voice remained stoic. She packed her things and prepared to leave. Iroha had already made it to the door when she looked back at Hachiman and smiled.

"Bye-bye, senpai!"

With that, she was gone. It was just him and Yui in the room now. The rich, yellow light seeped in through the window, softening the harsh overhead fluorescent lights. She looked over at him, and a soft smile broke out on her lips.

"You know, Hikki I could never have beaten Yukino. And even if I could have, I never would have had the time to come to the club and help out anymore. If either of us had ran for president it would have destroyed everything. I know you saw that, and you decided to save it. You did your best, Hikki!" She was all out grinning now, overjoyed at the boy's gesture.

He blushed slightly, "No, I didn't. I just did what I would do with any other problem."

"I know it's hard for you to change your methods. But you saved this club, and I really love this place." She knew what that statement meant, and even if the implications of it pained her like he knew they did, she still chose to be appreciative and affectionate. It was an admirable quality, if a bit naive.

He muttered, "I don't know what you're talking about. Iroha's full of hot air, I had next to nothing to do with it."

Yui saw through that. She had started walking toward Hachiman, she bent down, and spoke softly, "I know you might even feel guilty over what you had to do. And that's something you will have to face, but I wish I could help you, Hikki."

A blush came to his face, and he said nothing more.

"Your hair has grown so long, Hikki. And it's so messy, let me fix it for you," Yui's voice was tinkling with barely repressed laughter as she stood back up and reached out for the other teen's head. Hachiman weakly rejected her offer, and even made a show of shaking his head before ultimately letting the pink haired girl do what she would with him.

The room, and the light outside had turned gold now. It felt as intimate as the exchange out on the sidewalk had. Hachiman knew on some level he shouldn't let this go on, that his luck with these sorts of things was atrocious. But dammit, he couldn't bring himself to stop Yui.

Yui, whose hands had stopped merely patting his hair into place. Yui, whose fingers had twirled and burrowed under the ebon strands. Yui, whose fingers had massaged his scalp. His eyes started to feel heavy, like if he shouldn't keep them open during this. Hachiman let out a soft grunt as he leaned into the touch.

Yui saw him, perhaps for the first time. Here was Hikki, without the guard he always kept. Hikki, closing his eyes and giving her permission to touch him. Hikki, who leaned into her touch. Her mouth began to move, the soft smile was replaced with a beaming grin. She sighed contentedly, and wrapped her arms around his head, hugging it.

The room had shifted from a sunny yellow to the rich gold that colored their previous exchange.

Hachiman's hand, moving of its own accord, came up to squeeze one of Yui's hands tenderly. Had he always been this weak for her?

Her hand slowly, delicately moved. The little fingers previously resting on his forehead were touching his now, her other remained wrapped around his head.

Yui found herself wishing, desperately, that the chair wasn't there, that she could take him in her arms and go back to that moment on the sidewalk. Bittersweet tears stung her eyes for a moment, and she blinked them away, pressing her face into Hachiman's hair. His cowlick tickled. And his hands felt so warm and strong, even if the palms felt somewhat... rough? They were uneven like a pumice stone, she noticed. She wished she could stay like this forever.

Suddenly, her phone chimed. Yui flinched, startled by the noise. Hachiman let his arm fall to his side, tensed his neck up. She let go, walked back to her chair and checked the notification.

"That important?" His dry voice cut through the previously comfortable silence.

Yui smiled, "No, just my mom asking me if I'm going to walk Sable today."

She typed a quick response, and Hachiman got up to leave. He took one last look at Yui as he stood in the doorway, and felt words rise to his mouth unbidden and unfiltered.

"Yui... Save me someday," his voice cracked when he said it, and as soon as the words had left his mouth he was gone.

The room was a rich pink, nearly crimson.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm pretty happy with the last half of this chapter! I hope you guys also enjoy it. I still haven't quite hit my stride with this whole writing fanfiction thing, but hopefully this is another step in the right direction. Please keep reviewing, it's awesome for my motivation to see people out there liking my stuff! And constructive criticism is awesome and if anybody has any, or wants to beta read, my inbox is always open. Have a wonderful day/night, dear reader. And thank you for taking the time to enjoy my work.**


	3. I'd Shoot a Hole into the Sun

**A/N: Once again, thank you so much to all of my lovely readers, keep reviewing, following and faving! And thanks so much to the funniest review ever courtesy of the drunk anon! I read that drunk and it was the funniest thing ever. It puts the hugest smile on my face to know you guys like what I'm doing! Let's get started with this chapter now. Also, as of writing this A/N and possibly this chapter, I'm super drunk! So I might make this a filler chapter, maybe some kind of drabble about Yui and Hachiman hanging out ^_^**

* * *

 **Chapter Two and a Half: I'd Shoot a Hole into the Sun**

Hachiman half jogged down the stairs, sighing in agitation - why would he ask such a stupid thing of Yui? What did he need to be saved from? His comfortable, solitary life devoid of any real traumas or turbulence?

Himself? The superficial connections he had in his life? His inner loneliness?

He shook his head, the sheer stupidity of that thought! He didn't need any salvation, especially not from the person he was. He had nothing to be ashamed of, to feel remorse for, to be whisked away from.

But then, why did his life feel aimless until he was fulfilling a request with that damned club; until he was looking at that damned pink haired girl? He shook the thought out of his head and shoved the school door out of his way, squinting as the sunlight beamed, burning his dead fish eyes. The sky was fading from the crimson it was when he left the room. He could still feel the ghost of Yui's hands, kneading his scalp, softly touching his fingers, could still feel her burying her face in his hair, how badly he wanted to turn around and -

Turn around and what? He didn't need her! He didn't even need (or want!) physical contact with her, or to see that gorgeous smile on her lips again!

 _Snap out of it Hachiman, this can't possibly end well._

He mounted his bike, pedaled as hard as he possibly could, wrung his hands against the handlebars until the scabbed heels of his hands split and bled. The sudden wetness pulled him out of his thoughts, which most certainly were _not_ related to a certain pink haired girl. He rapped his knuckles against the side of his head, knocking and wondering if whoever was in there had any idea what they were doing. How could he have even gotten himself in this situation?

Maybe it was the night they saw the fireworks together. When they had rode the train together, and she had bumped into him. He had noticed something in her eyes and the way her face changed before she pulled away from him. Something that wasn't disgust or contempt or even rejection. And even though he maintained his poker face, his stomach had warmed with some odd feeling. Or when the fireworks were going off in dazzling arrays in the sky, and he looked at her out of the corner of his eyes and saw the lights reflecting in her eyes, painting her cream skin with abstracted rainbow fractals, sound nearly burying her "oohs" and "aahs" when the show reached its climax.

Maybe it was how she listened to him when he told her about the cookies. How no boy would really care if the cookies turned out well or not, he'd love them just because a girl had baked them for him. How she showed up the next day with a bag full of cookies charred to varying degrees, with a hopeful smile on her face as she slid them to him. He ate them after school that day, every single one of them.

Maybe it was saving that stupid dog. Maybe he should stop thinking about this. He bit his tongue, shook his head, pedaled harder. Home was only a few minutes away and he needed the solitude of his room. Writing something would surely get his mind off of this, right?

He put his bike away, shambled into the house, and hastily washed and bandaged his hands. He moved to his desk, sat with a calligraphy brush pen, pulled his favorite journal, and set about writing in it.

* * *

 _28 Nov_

 _My actions seem beyond me; at every turn with Yuigahama I have become more physically affectionate and relaxed. It distresses me, that I would welcome such contact with her. I told Komachi about it a few days ago and she is under the impression that I have taken a liking to her. But that would be foolish. In life, especially, in high school life the only person you can really count on is you. Connecting with others, trusting them, having any sort of relationship with others is not in one's best interest. After graduation, you lose the friends. Petty fights end the friendships. Superficiality is a constant issue, and by third year everyone knows that they'll probably never see one another again, and yet everyone pretends that is not the case. I have always seen the stupidity of getting involved like that and abstained. I've written in here before about my hopes for my future. And I don't know what to say about what's happening now but I can't find the faith in me to believe that these hopes will be realized with her, or that there is anything other than rejection waiting for me if I elect to walk this path._

 _And yet I still find myself acting as though she holds the answer to these hopes I harbor. Her, a stereotypical teenage nice girl!_

 _And I indulge this... affection she seems to have for me and for what? I'll never be able to have what I want, least of all with her._

 _It isn't even in my writing that I can find an escape from these thoughts of her, of this forbidden desire, of this selfish want._

 _It's never going to happen Hachiman. You don't have it in you, all you know how to do is vilify yourself. It's like Hiratsuka-sensei has said; I do things that would hurt me and don't feel it, but I hurt the people around me. She fears I'll always be a loner, but that seems preferable to this ember of a dream I have held onto. Connection. Intimacy. Understanding. Who needs it? Why indulge something so... crude?_

* * *

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He reluctantly pulled it out of his pocket, and what he saw only served to exacerbate the situation. She had texted him!

 _"hikki do you have any plans next weekend?"  
_

The little characters on the screen had never seemed more daunting to Hachiman in his life.

 _"I'm always free on weekends. Do you need my help on something?"_

 _"sort of... i was wondering if you wanted to meet up? there's something called the winter lights festival in a nearby town this week and i was looking for someone to go with?"_

The words seemed to be taunting him, surely the universe was playing some sort of sick joke! Or the Rom-Com Gods had decided it was time to suck him back into the never ending cycle of drama he was *this* close to breaking free from.

 _"Sounds good. Saturday?"_

 _"perfect, i'll meet you at the train station on saturday ! see you at school ^~^"_

He rolled his eyes. What a cute... No, no no, what an annoying emoticon! Yes, that's more like it. The smile on his face? Independent of this text message. Writing a poem would surely help him feel like himself again. He picked up his pen again, wrote at the very bottom of the journal's page.

* * *

 _If I had a gun_

 _I'd shoot a hole into the sun_

 _And love would burn this city down_

 _For you_

* * *

 _ **A/N: Well guys! I was drunk off my ass writing this so I'm going to go ahead and apologize if there's any errors anywhere and also for how short it is. I've already got Chapter Three underway but I figure I may as well post this to have another update for the day. Thank you so much for reading this and have a wonderful night/day! Feel free to review as well *wink wink nudge nudge***  
_


	4. Bah

**A/N: Thanks again to everyone reviewin** **g and giving feedback! A special shoutout to Dad of War who left me some really awesome food for thought on what to do with the fic! Let's get going guys :)**

* * *

 **Chapter Three: Bah**

Hachiman and Yui walked up the stairs to the Volunteers Club room. In the weeks since his false confession and Iroha's successful election Yukino's smile still hadn't disappeared from her face, and her eyes looked as resigned as ever despite it. It was... concerning

"You had lunch with Yukinoshita today," the boy started, "how was it?"

Yui hummed, "Normal."

The two entered the room. There was no tea, and Yukino was sitting straight in her chair, examining a spot on the wall with particular interest.

"Yahallo, Yukino!"

"Hello, Yuigahama-san, Hikigaya-kun" the raven haired girl's voice was serene, her smile plastered on.

Hachiman gave a polite nod in her direction, and took his seat, flipped open his novel and began reading. Yui probably made an attempt at some small talk, but he didn't really notice.

A rapping knock filled the room with noise, and a blonde girl entered the room, tears on her face.

"Yahallo, Yuigahama-san, Yukinoshita-san, Senpai," she sniffled, "I need your help."

"We're here, it's okay Isshiki," Yui's voice took on a soothing tone. She reached across the table to pat Iroha, who had just taken a seat.

Yukino raised an eyebrow, "What seems to be the matter?"

"Well," she sniffed, "the Student Council is collaborating with Sobu High School to put on a Christmas event but I don't know how to make it work. None of the group discussions go anywhere and it's going to be a disaster at this rate. I tried to get out of doing this, but Hiratsuka-sensei insisted we do this! My name will be ruined!"

Hachiman's eyebrows furrowed. Was he the lone sage who saw through those puppy dog eyes and crocodile tears? Yui was comforting the girl, who had at least started making less of a scene.

Yukino turned her head to look at the girl, still smiling as she spoke, "I suppose we three could attend these meetings and try to work something out."

"Are you kidding?" Hachiman's annoyed voice pulled the attention of all three girls his way, "she already had our help in becoming President. Why should we keep helping her?" He turned to look at Iroha and huffed, "We're the Volunteers Club, not your errand people."

Iroha, to her credit, didn't decide to start crying again. Rather, she looked at him and puffed right back, "This wouldn't even be a problem if _you_ hadn't talked me into being President instead of losing the election, Senpai!"

Oh shoot.

She had him there, all right.

"I'll talk to you outside in a bit," he waved her away and turned to Yui and Yukino, "this was something I caused on my own, I want to take care of it myself."

Yui nodded in understanding, and Yukino's smile remained frozen.

"If that is what you see as best, Hikigaya-kun. You can resolve this on your own."

"Yeah! And maybe us not doing this as a club will be good for us," Yui's smile didn't quite reach her eyes, she might not have fully believed what she was saying, but clung to it all the same.

Hachiman nodded, and left the room. He closed the door behind him.

Yui looked back down at her phone. She opened the notes application, and got back to her usual pastime in between requests in the service club; journaling. Questions stared her in the face from her past entries.

 _Why would Hikki ask Ebina out in front of me?_

 _Is there any way for me to save the club? Things feel so different._

 _How can I make them all happy?  
_

 _Will Hikki ever see what I feel for him?_

She sighed, and the sound of fingers clacking on a touch screen filled the otherwise silent room.

* * *

"Okay so look," Hachiman sighed, "you're right that this is sort of my fault. I'll help you, but outside of my duties as a member of the Volunteers Club."

Her face lit up and she beamed, "Oh really? Thank you, Senpai!"

He raised a hand, "But... How come you haven't asked Meguri for any help?"

"Well... She's busy with entrance exams, and besides! You're easier to mani... work with, Senpai!"

An eyebrow arched. He wasn't surprised with that near slip up, after all he had known all along that Iroha was a devious girl.

"Alright. When's the next meeting?"

"It's today, in the community center in another hour."

Hachiman nodded and started heading for the stairs. "Sounds good. I'll see you there," he called over his shoulder.

The teen made a beeline for his usual lunch spot on the outside stairs, he had some time to kill and that seemed as good a spot as any. The soft gold of the sun's light made everything seem like a dream. He focused his thoughts on the club, on why things were so strained between them all. And no matter what angle he thought from, the answer always came back to him.

 _"I will always hate your methods,"_ she had said that after he confessed to Ebina, in more words or less. And then Yui had spoken to him through tears about how that confession had hurt her. That was where things went wrong. And from there, every move he had made still used those same methods. If he really wanted to make this club work, he had to change. Otherwise, if he stuck to his old methods it would only be a band-aid.

 _Like how you "saved" the club earlier? Like how you're helping Iroha all alone?_

 _Everyone seems to be of the opinion that teamwork solves problems. But the more people you have on your team, the more potential problems there are to solve. Everyone has feelings and emotions and they expect their teammates to sacrifice the most direct course to a solution to spare them any negative feeling. The world is a backwards, sentimental place full of people who selfishly hope that others will sacrifice for the sake of them, and so they do that for others. That's what the world calls manners._

"Bah," he spat, "manners."

He shook his head, and got up. Maybe he'd stop at the convenience store for a coffee to clear his head before the meeting. As he was walked, he thought he could faintly make out Yui in the horizon. She was unmistakable, her pink hair positively glowed in the gilded light. He kept going, and came to the intersection with the convenience store. He looked to the crosswalk, wiping the girl from his mind. Iroha was on the other side, and she smiled and waved at him. He went ahead and crossed the street.

"Senpai, that's jaywalking!"

"I don't see any cars."

He looked down at her hands, which were both clutching a bag full of items; snacks for her and the Council, possibly.

"I just bought all of this stuff," she smiled, "it's soooo heavy!"

He reached out for the bags, and she shrunk away from his outstretched hands. There was a look of plain confusion on her face.

He deadpanned, "What? That wasn't a 'this stuff is heavy so please carry it for me' kind of statement?"

The look on her face switched from confusion to one of shock. "Wha - were you just hitting on me right now?" Her back stiffened and she bowed and continued, "I'm sorry Senpai, that was very sweet and made my heart flutter but after coming to my senses I still can't."

Hachiman rolled his eyes, took the bags from her, turned around and walked back toward the school.

 _So much for that coffee._

"Senpai! Please wait for me!"

He slowed his pace for the brat, and they made their way to the meeting.

* * *

The Kaihin Sougou students were stupid, Hachiman was sold. If he had to hear anything else about "analyzing opportunity costs versus maximal synergistic benefits" (which isn't even a real thing, he might add) or another "right on" or "preach it" he might well blow a gasket.

"What we need to do is maximize synergy by calibrating our group expectations and mobilize the community to obtain peak labor participation and efficiency," the dolt Tamanawa spoke so confidently for a man full of piping hot garbage. This meeting was going nowhere and fast. It was easy to see why Iroha wanted his help with this.

"So, what are we mobilizing all of these volunteers for exactly?" Hachiman posed the question cautiously, unsure of what kind of answer he was going to get. Some of the Sougou kids gave him the stinkeye.

Tamanawa turned to look at him and smiled, "It's too early now to decide where the labor will be pooled," he paused and took a sip from a bottle of water he had nearby, adjusted his tie and continued, "starting this early implies losing valuable brainpower and losing the ability to follow through on multiple unheard ideas; to put on the best event with the peak satisfaction for the customer, every idea must be carefully considered and optimized for peak consumption pleasure."

"Preach it!"

Surely, the universe was testing him. How much more of this could a man possibly take? Maybe he could nudge them along with a different approach.

He spoke again, more tentatively, "But in order for us to peak our labor productivity and satisfaction per person, it perhaps is necessary to have an idea of what tasks will be necessary to accomplish in order to consolidate our talent and bring minds together for ideal creativity?"

At this, Iroha looked at him again, as did that girl from junior high... Kaori Orimoto, the same girl who had been obnoxiously shouting "preach it" every other line of conversation. The students began murmuring to themselves, considering the new approach.

"I believe our per _capita_ satisfaction," he started, almost smugly (was he trying to one up Hachiman's per person statement?), "would be peaked with as much creative processing power as possible behind these events even before we begin creatively constructing these events themselves. To have an idea of these events before we have an idea about the idea of these events would limit our creative powers and therefore diminish consumer satisfaction noticeably. It is most advantageous for us to simply brainstorm at this moment."

If Hachiman's eyes rolled any further into the back of his head, he would probably sever his optic nerves.

"But," he protested, "perhaps something can be done to initialize these creative steps. After all, the best ideas come through action. Perhaps an action that will bring this project to the forefront of our minds and begin to allocate resources will also begin to consolidate creativity and foster better inter school relationships?"

The students chattered among themselves again. Kaori even threw an enthusiastic "preach it!" out in response to his suggestion.

Another student from Sougou cleared his throat and spoke up, "It's true! A strategic assessment of all disposable capital would optimize the creative process by allowing us to work with what we have."

And Yukino thought he had the eyes of a dead fish before. Hilarious.

Tamanawa spoke up again, "Alright everyone! It seems like a good idea would be to come up with possible mechanisms to secure additional revenue and capital for this event, do we have any volunteers?"

Iroha's hand shot up and the Student Council's heads drooped down. "We'll handle it, President Tamanawa," she smiled easily and moved to pick up a set of forms from the head of the tables.

Another student, this time a girl, spoke up. "I feel the scale of our efforts are too minor, perhaps we could do well with upscaling and even getting another high school involved in the creative process?"

Chatter filled the room, and another "preach it" was thrown out there. This was bad, any other high schools getting involved would only make these meetings a bigger dead end!

"Well," Hachiman cleared his throat and the room went silent. All eyes were on him now. "If we involved another high school then our own creative voices might be stifled by a rivaling vision, creating a destructive interference and lowering consumer satisfaction. Perhaps it would be best simply for us to outsource some of these problems to others in the community more capable of supporting our vision, rather than rivaling it."

The President rubbed his chin, "I rather like the idea of outsourcing. Perhaps we can involve local elementary students in this project and get their feedback!"

"But how?" Another student mused aloud, rubbing her chin.

"Preach it!"

"I've got it," Tamanawa snapped his fingers, "game therapy! We can have the children make ornaments and Christmas decorations and as them what they hope will be there!"

"Righteous!"

"Preach it!"

"My mother teaches at a local elementary, I'll have her get the word out!"

"Excellent!"

Hachiman was losing his mind, when would this damned meeting end?

"This has been a productive meeting," the President huffed, cutting into the chatter adjusting his tie again, "we should adjourn until tomorrow, where we'll go over other possible methods to increase creativity, refine brainstorming, and calibrate our expectations of the event."

Thank goodness it's over.

The students began packing up, a flurry of friendly chatter overtook the fake professional atmosphere from earlier. It seemed like the rest of the Student Council and Iroha were having some difficulties finding a good working relationship. Perhaps it would be important to talk to her about that, Hachiman considered.

"Senpai, you were actually pretty helpful out there!" The younger girl beamed up at him, taking no note of the dirty looks coming from behind her as the Student Council collected extra sheets of paper from the students, presumably to complete other functions the first year had volunteered them for.

"I just decided to talk as stupidly as everyone else does," he mumbled, "say, Isshiki, how has your relationship with the Student Council been?"

Her easy smile slipped into a pout, "Strained," she admitted. She looked over her shoulder, hoping they hadn't noticed her admit this. She wrung her hands together in play anxiety, "Would Senpai have any advice about that?"

Ah, so she is capable of reading between the lines when it might not suit her. Interesting.

"Yeah, you seem to volunteer them for things and leave them to do all the work from the functions you signed them up for. If you help them out a little it might make things better."

"Aye-aye, cap'n!" She giggled and mock saluted and left for her Council.

Hachiman sighed, glad it was over, and ducked out of the room. He made his way to the nearest vending machine and bought himself a coffee, sat down and cracked the can open.

"You were awesome in there," a voice called out to him. Kaori Orimoto, just his luck. She sat down next to him and continued, "Were you on Student Council in junior high? Or did you just pick this up recently?"

He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, "I've actually never been on the student council," he confessed.

"Really?" An eyebrow arched, "I would never have guessed with how capable you seemed in there! So different from the awkward Hikigaya I remember!" She chuckled at her own joke.

She cleared her throat, "So, anyway... I was wondering, did you break up with your last girlfriend? I noticed you and the President on your Council seem to be getting closer, is it possible you're going for her now?"

The implications of that statement brought a fiery blush to his cheeks as he stiffened slightly in his chair and stammered a response, "N-no... I never had a girlfriend to break up with in the first place."

"Oh? I thought you were with one of the two girls that found you when we all went out with Hayato," she admitted.

"Oh no, we're just clubmates," he corrected her, barely holding back another eye roll. He blew air up at his cowlick lazily, sending the lock of hair flopping.

"What club are you in?"

"The Volunteers Club."

She thought that was very funny, if her uproarious laughter was anything to go by.

"Oh Hikigaya, you're hilarious! The Volunteers Club! What kind of name is that?" She squeaked the words out, rocking back and forth in her chair.

"I wasn't even joking..."

The laughter intensified, and between her laughing fits she wheezed out her response, "I know! That's the best part!"

Ever the trooper, Hachiman ground through the close of conversation, chugged the last of his coffee, and departed without any further hassle. It was time to go home and sleep.

"Bah, he muttered, "politics."

This was going to be a long few weeks till Christmas, between this, the broken state of the club, and... whatever he and Yui were doing.

Before Hachiman could mount his bike, his phone started ringing.

 _Speak of the Devil and he shall appear. Beep._

"Hello?"

"Hikki, I need someone to talk to."

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys! I was working on this one and figured it'd be better to just post this today and work on a new chapter tomorrow! I've been doing some research to hopefully refine my writing a little bit more, and I'm glad to see that I'm starting to lengthen the chapter lengths, hopefully the next one will be even longer! I'll be doing my best, but with my university finals right around the corner, it's possible that I may not be able to keep up the daily updates in another few weeks... Er, well again I'm still gonna do my best on that though. I'm rambling. Sorry guys it's 4AM and I just finished grinding this chapter out on a caffeine high because I felt too guilty just leaving that short drunken garbage for you all from earlier. Anyways, I'm super glad to see all of the awesome feedback I've been getting and I'm stoked so many people are enjoying my first fic! If you have any ideas, comments, suggestions, my inbox is open and as always, don't hesitate to review! Have a lovely day/night, my wonderful readers!**


	5. And Silence Fills the Air Between Them

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who's been reading, following, faving, and of course reviewing! This one's coming in a day late, but I had to type up a research paper yesterday so that ended up eating my time. I'm hoping to put out another chapter this weekend but for now enjoy this one!**

* * *

 **Chapter Four: And Silence Fills the Air Between Them**

"Hikki, I need someone to talk to."

The words were unexpected. Hachiman bit back a mild sigh, he was exhausted after dealing with bullshit high school politics today.

"Well, why not talk to Yukino or Hiratsuka-sensei?"

"They can't help with this," her voice cracked and she paused to take an uneven breath, "but you can. Can you meet me at the ramen cafe Sensei took us too over the summer?"

 _Tell her that you're caught up in Iroha's meeting still. Or that Komachi needs you for something!_

Lies came to his throat, but never made it past his lips. "I'm heading that way." Hachiman hung up the phone and started biking that way.

He should have been more annoyed than he was; why was he feeling concerned? So what if the girl seemed upset? She was eating into his precious personal time; personal time that was getting to be in increasingly short supply if the antics of the Christmas planning committee were anything to go by. And she was asking him to step out of his comfort zone, something he had very adamantly been against for all of his life. He could have came up with an excuse and avoided this. And if it were anyone else, he would have.

If it were anyone else. What was that supposed to mean? It's not like he actually... had a soft spot for her or something.

He shook his head, rapped his knuckles on the side of it like he had done last week, hopped off his bike. He was at the cafe. He ducked into the place, scanning the room for a splash of pink.

She wasn't here yet. And that meant he'd have to talk to the host(ess?)... How was it that you were supposed to do that again? He couldn't quite remember.

"Is there anything I can help you with, sir?"

"Oh, um... H-hello," he cleared his throat, "I'm looking for a table, maybe in the back."

The hostess smiled, "For how many?"

His cheeks tinted a light pink, "Two." The response was awkward and low, scarcely more than a whisper as embarrassment nearly forced a bead of sweat on his forehead.

"Of course," she nodded respectfully, "right this way please."

She sat him in a booth in the back corner, and he busied himself studying the menu even though he always got the same exact dish. He felt restless and antsy, and elected to retrieve his journal from his backpack instead. He took out a pen, started writing.

* * *

 _2 Dec_

 _The universe seems out to get me; it isn't enough for me to play nice and blend in with a school of idiots day in and day out, or to help said idiots with their problems day in and day out, or even to act like I'm friends with people who lack any genuine connection day in and day out. It isn't enough to do every last thing the universe bids me to do and still retain my own dignity, knowing that none of it will truly matter to me. It seems what the universe demands is for me to do all of these things, know that it shouldn't matter, know I should avoid even doing them, and still force me to care about something that doesn't even matter anyway._

 _I am angered that I could be emotional over something so insignificant last week, that I could blindly accept invitations to interact with someone, or to... help them without owing them a personal bond or in some capacity as a member of the stupid club. I need to find a way to get away from every-_

* * *

"Yahallo, Hikki," Yui's voice lacked its usual enthusiasm as she sat. He took a look out of the window. It was dark out, the sun had just set a few minutes ago.

"Yo."

She busied herself looking at the menu, her hands were under the table and she was probably wringing them judging from the way her shoulders moved. Their waitress came, asked what they wanted to drink, and brought it. An awkward minute's silence passed. Then two.

"So uh," he coughed and took a sip of his water, "what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Her eyes flickered up to meet his before she looked back down at her menu, "Oh.. um, the thing is I'm worried about the club, but I'm more worried about Yukinon. Have you seen how she's been behaving?"

Hachiman nodded. He considered his response for a moment. "Just stop caring," he grunted, reached for his drink again.

"I can't just do that Hikki.. We're her friends and this is our fault."

There was an unspoken 'you' somewhere in there. Yui had, in her decency avoided saying it though.

"But it's more than that. I just... I've been trying so hard to keep everyone happy and it just feels impossible. No matter what I do there's always that distance between her and us now. I don't know how to fix it and I've tried pretending like it isn't there but even that just feels wrong. I can't fix it and I'm hurting."

"And," he began quietly, "you think I'm the person to fix this. After everything I've done to complicate the club you think I can make this go away?"

Her eyebrows creased, brown eyes shone with fire, a jaw clenched and released. "No. I want you to make me see this from another perspective. I don't care if it hurts or what you have to say, I just want to look at this from another angle, and maybe that will help me find a way to fix this."

A pang shot through his heart. She knew what asking for his input entailed. She would have to walk out of here with a bruised heart to have his advice, and yet Yui was still willing to do that for her friend. The universe was making fun of him in more ways than one today, it seemed. To flaunt the very thing Hachiman desired most deeply in the innermost corner of his heart, and let him shape it.

Silence, again. The waitress came and took their orders and they sat in, again, silence.

He began to speak, tamping back anger's sting as he nonchalantly intoned, "You act like you are responsible for Yukinoshita's mood, like you alone can make things feel easy and natural in the club again, and like it's even your job. Most of the people you'd do something like that for wouldn't even give you the time of day if the positions were reversed! When I look at you, and at the way I behave, it makes me wonder who would be more selfish and self centered; you, for thinking you are the arbiter of someone's continued good mood like if they have no choice in how they feel, or the people around you who would never do for you what you would do for them.

"It's stupid to see you put so much care into so many people who just sponge off of you, and it's even more stupid for you to think that it's something you have to do to make everyone happy. That complex of yours is self centered. You will never be enough to make someone who is miserable at their core happy."

For such a venomous message, he had remained remarkably calm. His hands were folded together on the top of the table now, and Yui seemed to have taken a particular interest in them, only looking away after examining whatever she could see of his palms thoroughly. And again, silence filled the air between them.

Their waitress dropped off the ramen, and they had begun to eat in silence as well. She sniffled.

"Are you alright?" He asked gruffly.

Yui spoke quietly, "Yeah. I'm fine. The broth's just spicy is all."

"Okay." She hadn't ordered a spicy soup. She was lying.

"You know," her surprisingly tiny voice picked up again, "I think I might... just go home, I don't feel so hungry on second thought and Sable has been really needy lately."

It was an excuse. He had hurt her, and even if she said she wouldn't care about it she did. "Alright," he shrugged, "I'm... s-sorry if I said something to make you want to go."

She nodded, dug into her purse, deposited a handful of notes on the table to pay for her ramen, and left. He had almost called out to her before she had left earshot.

"Ooh, that's tough buddy," his waitress had a look of pity on her face, "having a date walk out on you is the worst."

His cheeks burned at the insinuation. "Not my girlfriend, not a date. Can I have the tab please?"

Needless to say, Hachiman couldn't pay and get out of that place soon enough. He walked his bike home, entered the house quietly, made sure to avoid everyone. He took a too-hot shower, brushed his teeth so hard his gums bled. He sat at his desk again, some thirty minutes later, holding his pen. His journal was on his desk and the words stared at him. They were ugly.

 _I need to get away from every-_

He kept staring at that. He cared too much, and it wasn't right for him to do so. It was stupid that he was even helping people in the first place, that Hiratsuka-sensei had forced him into this, that he had ever signed up for that bet. Because now he wanted to help someone, and all he could do was hurt her until she realized things for herself. The worst of it was knowing how right they had been to warn him that he would someday be trapped by his own methods.

 _"Yui, I don't think I can make it to the festival this Saturday. Sorry."_

His finger hovered over the send button. He didn't want to do this. And that's why he had to. _None of this is even real_ , he reminded himself. She always tried to make everyone happy, because she thought she could do that for everyone. Because that's how she was. It's not real if he's getting what she would give to everyone else. _It's not genuine, she doesn't mean it. She doesn't mean it, it's not genuine._

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and hit the send button without looking at what he had done. He fell into a restless sleep that night, wringing his scabbed hands again.

The next day, he went to the club without her.

"Yukinoshita, I'm going to be busy with Isshiki for the next few weeks. I won't be able to make it to the club." He didn't bother sitting, or coming to the table. He turned and prepared to leave.

"Don't force yourself to come here Hikigaya-kun. If you feel your time is better suited elsewhere, so be it," her voice was cool, and she didn't look up from the book she was reading.

He turned and headed out to the hallway, and started walking. Hachiman counted the number of tiles he stepped over per stride, analyzed the grooves between each tile, and... Bumped into someone, apparently.

He moved to the side and muttered an apology.

"H-hikki?"

The voice made him freeze. He turned around. It was Yui.

"Aren't you coming to the club?" Her voice still sounded small. Her head was bowed, eyes looking to the ground.

He clamped down the feelings of guilt in his chest and awkwardly spoke, "No. I just spoke to Yukinoshita. I'm not going to be coming for the next few weeks."

"Oh," her voice cracked, and she reached into her purse and pulled out a small tube of medicine and some bandages. "I got you these yesterday, I noticed your hands were cut. I don't know if you've been taking care of them so I figured I'd do something to make sure you could."

She handed them to him, head still down.

"Th-thank you."

She nodded, murmured something about checking on Yukinon, turned on her heel, and left.

If he was guilty before it was nothing compared to this. He shoved the bandages and ointment down his backpack, and headed for his bike. He had to meet Iroha and sit through another one of those terrible meetings today.

Why should he even feel guilty though? It's not like he made her get those things for him.

The sky resembled more a jaundiced yellow than gold today, he decided. He started the walk to the community center. He had left his bike at home in favor of taking the bus this morning.

* * *

 _The thing about life is that you can reset your habits and schedule, but you can't reset your relationships or how they affect you. It's impossible to go back in time to become the person you were, even if that person is preferable to who you are now. But by resetting your habits and schedule, you can at least approximate it. Go back to a time when you never had a friend close enough to hurt, even if you've hurt a friend. You'll never be able to be what you were but you can at least fool everyone around you. And stay a disingenuous piece of a deceptive world._

 _You can't teach an old dog new tricks. It's impossible for a cynical, jaded, self vilifying loner to become a considerate and helpful person. So why try? Why not just go back to what you were? At least then people assume they see all there is to you, they can't look closer and be disappointed with what's under the surface. If you set the bar low enough, anyone who gets to know you will just be pleasantly surprised that you're not as bad as you could be._

 _I care but I'm terrible at caring. I want to be alone again. I can't break through to the world. I can't even break through myself._

 _I wish I could go back to when things made sense._

* * *

He shook his head out of those thoughts. Iroha wasn't at the meeting. And it wasn't going very productively anyway; the groups had broken up by committee and Hachiman was left all alone, present as his own entity and without the person anchoring him to everything else.

He decided to make decorations with Rumi. She still didn't have friends, he noticed.

Was it because of him? Because of his method of getting rid of her bullies? If he had done something else, would she have befriended those girls?

The prickling feeling of guilt welled up in his chest again. He turned to look at her; if she noticed, she pretended she didn't. All of the other kids were playing and putting together a Christmas tree on the far side of the room. Eventually he couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and politely excused himself. Rumi didn't say anything.

It was dark out when he left the building. He stopped at the convenience store and bought himself a coffee before continuing on his walk. He was dead tired. Last night his rest had been broken, filled with uncomfortable images and visions. He kept walking. Lightning broke out in the sky, temporarily illuminating the ground in a neon blue glow before returning it to darkness. It was going to rain soon. Hachiman hunched over himself, cursing his luck and the universe itself. A fat raindrop hit his head, then another. It was starting to drizzle.

It could have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes, but a car pulled up behind him, flashed its high beams and honked and pulled up to him.

"Hikigaya, for a moment I mistook you for a mop! You look like you could use a ride," a familiar voice called out to him. Hiratsuka-sensei! Hachiman hopped in the car, choosing not to look this particular gift horse in the mouth.

"I didn't know you had two cars," he mumbled dumbly.

"Oh, that other one was a rental." Hiratsuka-sensei laughed and brushed it off. The rain had started pouring. Hachiman was jolted in his seat as the woman floored the gas pedal.

So, she liked to speed. It made sense and all, since she was driving a sports car.

He was staring out the window in a haze when her voice cut through, "Mind if I take a detour?"

"No."

She took a few turns, and in ten minutes they had come to a bridge overlooking a city and river. The storm seemed to have already passed through this place. She opened her door and he did the same. The soothing scent of rain breached his nostrils. His teacher threw him another can of coffee. Hachiman walked to the edge of the bridge, looked out at the water and took a sip.

"How are things?" Her voice cut through the ambient noise of the river.

He sighed. "Not good," he admitted, "the committee I'm working with for the Christmas event refuses to get anything done, the president is so set on having everyone's idea in the final product that he refuses to agree on anyone's idea. He's afraid that it'll restrict the event's scope or something, but he just doesn't seem to understand that unless we do something soon we won't have an event worth putting on. Isshiki is having a rough time interacting with the Student Council and it's on me to fix that. It shouldn't be my job. Everybody is afraid of failing and so nobody wants to take leadership."

"That does sound very stressful, and I commend your observation skills," she admitted, "but I meant more than just that. I was wondering how things were going between you, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama."

He took a gulp of the coffee and huffed, "Worse."

"I see. Why is that?"

"Things haven't been the same since I saved Tobe from Ebina, if you could even call it that. And things with Yuigahama have gotten worse, too. It's all so complicated now. I want to have a single answer for all of this but I can't find it, there are too many variables."

She leaned against the car, smiled and took a sip of her own coffee, "Then you need to start analyzing again. You've miscalculated, overlooked something critical. Break it down to every possible variable and event, account for everything and leave no stone unturned if you want to find the answer. That last possibility, the one you can't account for, is human emotion. You will never be able to plan around that, Hikigaya."

"Then what's the point? If I can't plan for anything then how is anything I do real?" He leaned against the railing of the bridge, his throat felt painfully tight and it hurt to speak.

She laughed, "I'm telling you this from my experience; things aren't genuine because you plan for them. What makes something real is that you're willing to struggle, agonize, and fight for it. It's about being willing to endure till the end, for something that you decide is worth it. It doesn't matter what it is or how important it is to the world, what matters is if you decide that it's important to you, and you act like it is. That's all it takes to make something real.

"And that's something I realized too late in my own life. That's why I'm still alone. I want better for you. Yukinoshita has a wall, and maybe someday she'll meet the right people to break it, but I want you to be one of them. Yuigahama is more than just a nice girl, she's been through more than you know, and she will need people who try to make her happy in the same way she tries to make them happy. I want you to be there for her. But you don't have to be. It's up to you"

What a sentimental answer she had given him. Uncomfortable with the emotions and the advice, he tried to make some sort of joke, maybe even say that it was because nobody had any taste in women these days, but he didn't have it in him. His throat had knotted up painfully and he tried to speak, but no words had come out.

So he just nodded.

"You have to go to them Hikigaya, and open up. I don't know if you see it yet but you are trapped by the person you are."

He laughed bitterly, she didn't know the half of it.

"Trust me," his voice was strained and on the edge of cracking, "that's something I'm aware of."

She got up from where she was leaning on the car, walked towards him. Her eyes were glistening like the river below them. "Then find your reason to get past it. This is _not_ sustainable. Not for you, or for them. If you lose them, you won't be able to go back to what you were before. You might think you'll make it, but the solitude will be excruciating. Save yourself, Hikigaya Hachiman."

He nodded, wordlessly got into the car when she motioned for him. The lights, stars, and their reflections in the river blurred together into a kaleidoscope of colors. It was too much. He wouldn't be able to save himself the way she was begging for him to, he knew that. He had no understanding of how to be what he needed to. To try to make others happy instead of hurt them, to change them from the inside by turning on the lights inside of their heart instead of stoking their fears. To find a way to be open and _free_. Free to feel emotion and free to express it, and willing to share it with someone. He had to change like that... For the better.

The car stopped, just a short walk from his house. He quietly exchanged goodbyes with Hirutsaka-sensei, thanked her for the ride, and walked home. He would take care of his hands tonight, with the things Yui gave him, he decided.

Yui...

Suddenly it occurred to him. He had always known it, on some level... He must have, to have asked her what he did last week.

 _"Yui... Save me someday," his voice cracked when he said it, and as soon as the words had left his mouth he was gone._

He took his phone from his pocket.

 _"Would Sunday work instead?"_

The path home was bathed in gold light.

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks so much for reading this chapter you guys! As always, feel free to review or PM me with your opinions, I'm always open to constructive criticism to make this more immersive and enjoyable for you guys! I hope you have a wonderful day/night and I'll talk to you next time.**


	6. But Still, He is Trapped Under Ice

**A/N: Hey guys I hope you're ready for another chapter! This one, I feel, will probably cover the probably most important scene of the entire series, with a twist on it. I'm hoping that things turn out well and everyone approves! That said, feel free to follow, fave, and most definitely review. If anyone has any requests for oneshots, or things I can work into this story, constructive criticism, etc. you're more than welcome to either mention these things in a review or PM me. With that said, I hope you all enjoy!**

 **One last thing y'all, if you haven't listened to If I Had a Gun... by Noel Ghallager's High Flying Birds, I really feel like you should! I listened to it all the way through writing this chapter, it's been my inspiration for the fic, and it's one of the most awesome songs ever.**

* * *

 **Chapter Five: But Still, He is Trapped Under Ice**

It was Friday. Hachiman was sitting at his usual spot on the stairs, reading an article on his phone. A WikiHow titled 'How to Open Up to Someone (with Pictures!).' How stupid. The introductory paragraph had mentioned something uncomfortable, something he was just starting to really figure out. Something he had felt was buried in the advice Hiratsuka-sensei had given him, just a day ago.

 _Pushing away people close to you - friends, significant others, family - hurts them in many cases._

That was the very first sentence, and he had been rereading it for the last five minutes of the lunch period. He had always sort of understood that on some level, but that didn't make integrating that understanding with his behaviors any bit easier. Especially not as quickly as his life was demanding him to.

If Yui had seen his text, she hadn't replied yet. So that meant he'd have to talk to her today. He had never really been one for anxiety, but the prospect of that set his heart pounding. He needed to take a break from this reading. He reluctantly pocketed his phone, dug into his backpack for his journal. He held it carefully in his bandaged hands.

* * *

 _5 Dec_

 _Life seems to be a terrible comedy, and I seem to be the butt of a horrible joke. I have loved myself and hated myself for years, but in these past few days I've come to know a different feeling entirely; that of being imprisoned by myself. It's like being trapped in a lake, seeing the rest of the world outside, swimming up and trying to break free, but there's a sheet of ice too thick for me to break on the surface. I'm trying to cut through, break into the other side and finally see the other side, but every move I make feels slowed and waterlogged. What will it take for me to not be alone? To understand, to be free and alive because I have something other than myself to live with._

 _Apparently, it takes a WikiHow on opening up to people. The internet is an incredible resource._

* * *

He let out a short bark of laughter, he might be alone and unhappy and a fundamentally indecent person, but at least he had a good grasp of sarcasm. His lunch finished, for he was too nervous to eat more, Hachiman threw his refuse out and returned to class. He'd wait for Yui at the lockers like he used to when they went to the club together, ask her if she was willing to see him on Sunday.

What was he going to say?

 _Hey Yuigahama, I'm sorry for hurting your feelings but I'm done doing that now so can we maybe meet up?_

No. Too... awkward.

 _Sorry for what I've said. I was angry. Can we still go to the festival please?_

No... That was too much like the Hachiman he didn't want to be anymore.

 _Yui, please forgive me for how I've said things, I was angry and I lashed out at you and it was wrong and I know that, please let me make it up to you this Sunday._

Actually, that one wasn't half bad. He probably wouldn't be able to say that one out loud, but it was still good. He wrote it down on a sheet of paper, just in case he couldn't bring himself to say it. He tore out his last journal entry as well, folded each sheet of paper, and put them in his pocket.

"Just in case," he whispered and patted his pocket. He spent the rest of the class obsessing over the outcome of his efforts, and darted out of the room the moment the clock hit dismissal time. He ghosted through the halls, as unseen as ever, and came to his resting place at the lockers. His heart was pounding in his chest like he had just drank seven or eight cans of coffee back to back, his hands were unsteady, his tongue was going dry. His body felt cold, like he had just dove into icewater, and he couldn't catch his breath. This was it. The first time, possibly in his entire life, that Hikigaya Hachiman would try to actually be open with someone. It was excruciating, even if it was for Yui.

There she was.

"Yuigaghh-," he croaked, his dried tongue caught on the back of his throat and he fought back a gag. At least she had stopped, even if the look she was giving him only made him feel worse. He wished desperately for some water, and he was beginning to sweat. Is this what dying felt like? She shook her head and started walking again.

"Yui... Wait, please."

She stopped in her tracks, her back to him as she turned her head, "What do you want?"

She didn't call him Hikki, she didn't turn around, this wasn't right. It all felt wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong. The word looped in his head, smothering every other thought he had like dissonant noise. He couldn't breathe or even think. He smacked his leg with a closed fist, trying to anchor himself with something, even pain, to prepare for what he had to say next.

"What I... The way I said what I did," he swallowed thickly. He felt like he was skydving, and like the parachute had opened in his throat instead of on his back. He was falling and all of the words inside of him strained the chute, and no air made it to his lungs. "I was angry and I lashed out at you. ItwaswrongandI'msorry... Come with me on Sunday... Please." He bit back a gag, wished he hadn't bitten his nails away last night, for if they were still there he could have scratched his skin till it bled and remained lucid enough to say what he wanted to say. He tried to open his mouth again, but no words came out.

She turned around to face him, and her head was bowed. "I can't handle this right now." She left. That was all she said. Hachiman watched her, dumbfounded as she climbed the stairs and left.

Whatever he was dealing with right now, it didn't feel any better with the sting of rejection. Usually knowing where he stood with someone made it better, but this time it only made it worse. He needed water, he needed to wash his face. He turned from the spot, ran through the now empty halls, and threw himself into the nearest bathroom was pull. That hurt. He stopped for a second, grunted in frustration, and darted inside. He filled his hands with water and splashed his face, filled them again and buried his face in the water, splashed and buried again.

About a minute later, Hachiman sat outside of the bathroom. His cowlick had flattened courtesy of his overenthusiastic splashing, and he was finally managing to slow his breathing, despite how his heart was racing. He had taken the bandages off of his hands.

 _In._

One, two.

 _Hold._

One, two, three, four.

 _Out._

One, two, three, four.

He had found this cycle helped him in the past when he felt this way. And after sufficient implementation this time, it worked. His stomach still felt like it was made of lead, but at least he felt like his head was above water, so to speak.

* * *

 _What is it most people do when they hit the wall? Do they get up and fight again, or do they leave and fight an easier battle another day? When faced with the choice, who will choose to struggle and suffer for something when they can't have it right away? I've always thought that people, when they know they can't win something, stop bothering. Or even if they think they can't win, they stop trying. It's called learned helplessness. And it's what keeps people together in abusive relationships, what keeps an addict fighting for a fix, what keeps a self destructive person self destructing. If it's just the way things are, then there's no real way to change it right? That's what I've always thought._

 _But staying the same means never struggling, agonizing, fighting for something. Never reaching for the things you want most because they seem unattainable. And people do that out of fear. Fear of not getting what they hope to have, fear of the consequences, fear of..._

 _Of never being able to break free. Of knowing that you have given something your everything and all, and it was never enough._

 _But none of what you are is real unless you're willing to stand up and suffer for it. Nothing will ever be genuine if you accept it like it is, without fighting for what it could be, without agonizing over your dreams. That's what I've never understood, and that's what separates me from Yui. She wants to make people happy, for whatever reason, and she fights for that. She doesn't care if she gets hurt doing it, and that's why no matter how many people she gives herself to like this, it remains real every single time._

 _It's why what she gives me is real._

 _What is it most people do when they hit the wall? Do they get up and fight again, or do they run away and hope to fight another day? What would a real person do, a person who deserves something real?_

 _They fight, they claw, they struggle, they agonize, they understand that no matter what they do they and the people around them will get hurt. And they understand some things are worth hurting for._

* * *

Hachiman pushed himself up, up off tiled floor, his back against the wall. He refused to let things happen like this. He took a step forward, then another. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the sheets of paper, tore them up and pocketed the scraps.

 _No hiding, no walls, no crutches._

He lunged for the stairs, took them two at a time, forced his head up. He felt the icy bite of the water sweeping over his legs and waist again, felt his mouth begin to go dry, felt the sweat on his hands.

He had reached the top of the stairs, had walked the rest of the way to the club's meeting room, and he stood outside of the door, The water was at his neck now. He took a deep breath, and dove.

 _Knock, knock, knock_

"Come in," Yukino's voice barely broke through the wood and ice.

The door slid open; Hachiman dove under. But this time he would break through the ice. He had to. The light trickling in from outside was gold.

"I thought I told you it wasn't necessary for you to come. Why are you here, Hikigaya-kun?" Her confusion was evident and her head was cocked to the side as she regarded him.

Yui pretended he wasn't even there.

"I know, Yukinoshita. But," he took a steadying breath, wet his lips and kept going, "I have a request. I have a problem and I want you two to listen to me about it."

"Is this problem your fault?"

"Yes."

"Then talk about it on your own."

Yui offered no resistance to Yukino's statement. The raven haired girl moved to pick up her book again, but what Hachiman said next stayed her hand.

"I can't. I know they're my fault. A lot of what's happened has been my fault. Tsurumi Rumi still doesn't have friends, and it's because of my method in solving her problem. The preparations for the Christmas Event are going miserably and it's because I can't guide the group the right way. The strain between us all is because of how I saved Tobe. I know that. I own it. But there's more than that..." He paused, pressed his hands together, rubbed the damaged skin against itself, anchored himself in the pain.

"I can't change. What I was warned about being... I've come to realize what I am. I'm trapped by my own methods, unable to break free even when I most want to. I hurt the people closest to me and I don't want to anymore. And when I've tried to do something different, I can't. I feel like I'm stuck, under a sheet of ice, drowning in a lake and no matter what I do, I can't break through to the other side. But everything that I want is there, on the other side of that sheet of ice. And I'm trying to change, I am, but for whatever I am right now... For what I have done, I'm sorry. I have been this way for so long that I can't remember how to be anything else.

"And I know expecting someone else to be able to read my mind is delusional but... but... but I can't get what's inside out! I'm after more than just empty words. There's always been more that I've been after," he choked on his own words, unable to go on without crying.

The ice was beginning to crack, nobody seemed to be happy with, or even capable of dealing with what they were beginning to see, he realized. The girls' eyes looked numb, as if they were staring at something halfway across the world as they sat in a thrall, listening to what he had to say. They were frozen, their faces twisting one moment with confusion, the next with sorrow. A tear was trickling down Yui's face. They weren't ready This wasn't the , again, Hachiman remained inside of the lake, because the people in front of him weren't ready for him to leave it.

"I can't... It's so far out of my reach. I've tried. I'm sorry." He bit back a sob, the taste of copper filled his mouth. Yui and Yukino were frozen in place.

"I... I'm sorry, I can't understand this," Yukino admitted this quietly, and got up. She left the room and the door closed with a bang.

Hachiman let himself sink to the floor, his shoulders were shaking and he was making small coughing noises as he fought bitter tears. Yui remained still in her chair, looking at him. A beat passed, then two.

She got up slowly and deliberately, took delicate steps towards the boy. A hand was placed tenderly on his back, his head darted up and his eyes were crazed with fear for a split second.

"Hikki, are you okay?" Her hand was rubbing small circles on his back, her brown eyes looked like liquid honey in the gold light.

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

She smiled softly, "I think I understand some of what you were saying, and I'll try to understand it better with time. I'm not letting you go through this alone, do you hear me?"

He nodded, and wrapped her arms around him. He felt so small, so frail in this moment as he leaned into her arms, curled in a ball with his knees to his chest, head buried in her shoulder. They stayed like that for a few minutes, bathing in the soft golden light while Hachiman steadied his breaths. Yui smelled nice, he decided.

"Are you feeling better now, Hikki?"

He nodded, face buried in her blazer. She smiled.

"Well, come on then. We can't leave Yukinon all by herself, can we?"

He shook his head, and they got up to go after her together.

Hachiman cleared his throat, "She's probably outside."

They opened the door. Iroha was on the other side, hand raised as if ready to knock. She smiled at them.

"Senpai, I was going to tell you! The planning committee decided to take today off."

"Thank you, Isshiki. We'll talk later?" He ducked out of the conversation, half jogging away with Yui in tow.

They made it to the deck. Yui was leaning on the railing, staring at the sky.

"Yukinon," Yui called out, "we're here. Please, talk to us."

She turned her head slowly, and her eyes locked on Hachiman's. "I don't understand," she started blankly, "what is out of your reach? What can't you get out to the world? I can't understand it."

"It's okay," the pink haired girl's shaky voice answered for him, "the truth is, I don't really understand it all either. But we can all figure it out together, like we've fixed everything else. Please."

She stepped forward, closed the distance between her and Yukino. "Please, Yukinon," she began to cry, "I can't stand the way things have been between all of us, it hurts so badly to walk in every day and pretend everything is okay when it isn't. We can fix this together." She collapsed into the other girl's arms, sobbing.

Hachiman's heart beat painfully in his chest in sympathy.

"You know," Yukino began, her own eyes misty, "you're playing dirty right now." She burst into tears, and held onto Yui for dear life. The girls sunk to the ground, holding one another.

"I promise," she half sobbed and took a shuddering breath, "that I will try to fix this too."

Hachiman felt tears prickling at his eyes. He wanted to close the distance, but his feet remained frozen.

"Hikki," Yui's stuffy voice barely escaped from between the girls' bodies, "come here." She held one of her arms open for him, and Yukino did the same.

The boy joined the two of them. He settled on his knees, the girls wrapped their arms around him, and he wrapped his around them. It should have been uncomfortable, but it... wasn't. He found himself sniffling alongside the girls, rocking with them as they cried as a few tears of his own trickled down his cheeks. And the three of them held each other as they were rocked in rolling waves of emotion.

* * *

 _What is it most people do when they hit the wall? Do they get up and fight again, or do they run away and hope to fight another day? What would a real person do, a person who deserves something real?_

 _They fight, they claw, they struggle, they agonize, they understand that no matter what they do they and the people around them will get hurt. And they understand some things are worth hurting for._

 _Sometimes, the sacrifice, the fight, the agony is to get words out, to break through to the world because the ones you're close to need to hear you, see you, know that you're there and you're real and what you're doing for them is genuine. But sometimes, the agony, the fight, the sacrifice is keeping the words in when all you want to do is let them out. Sometimes the ones you're close to know that things are real and they're genuine because you're willing to sit and be vulnerable with them in silence, and not to fill the void with things they're not ready to hear or understand._

 _Sometimes, you know that you really care for someone because you're willing to stay in chains, pounding at the layers of the prison keeping you from the rest of the world, because you know that the people around you aren't ready for such a change just yet._

 _Sometimes, it's real because you're willing to wait for the golden tomorrow, when they're ready to see you for what you are without it hurting them._

 _It's real when you're willing to hurt yourself instead of hurting them._

* * *

And so, around an hour later, as he was walking home, Hachiman's phone chimed.

 _"sunday sounds nice. i'll see you then, hikki"_

Hachiman smiled. He may have still been trapped under the ice still, but it had cracked and thinned today. The golden sunlight was forcing its way through those little openings, and for the first time in most of his life, when he closed his eyes, he could almost feel the warmth.

* * *

 **A/N: I had so many ideas for this chapter that I honestly couldn't resist writing it! So here you guys are! I'll see if I can crank another one out tomorrow, but I really really really have been looking forward to writing this segment. There's going to be more to come, as some of you have noticed, Hachiman hasn't yet finished his famous monologue ;)**

 **As always, feedback is enormously appreciated, I keep a very close eye on my reviews, and a close eye on my inbox as well. If there's anything you guys want to see, all you have to do is ask. Thank you so much for reading, and have a wonderful day/night!**


	7. Something Genuine

**A/N: I want to give a massive shoutout to Molomar! It makes my day to read your thoughts on what's going on in the story, and I'll see what I can do to meet the request of yours in the future! I hope everyone (esp you my dood :)) enjoys this chapter. I'd also like to apologize for taking waaay longer than my usual time to update, I've been dealing with a change of major at my university, tests and research papers, and some mental health issues, which my friends took me out on the town in response to plus some other issues with some medication I've been taking and this chapter has been a total bitch to get just right. I spent a ton of time writing from Hachiman's point of view but this chapter really feels like an awesome time for Yui (who I have taken a few non storybreaking liberties with) to shine. Depending on feedback for the angles I'm working in this chapter the story will probably go one of two different ways, with that said I hope y'all enjoy!**

 **Also! I might also make a Spotify playlist for this fic, if anybody feels like they'd be into listening to something like that feel free to let me know and I'll make it happen.**

 **EDIT: also a huge shoutout to smilingsamurai for that awesome PM and review!**

* * *

 **Chapter Six: Something Genuine**

Yui Yuigahama stood in front of her home, just released from her optional Saturday classes. She was in the process of, putting it mildly, freaking out. Hachiman had seemed so not himself when they had last spoke in the club. He had not only said more than four words back to back, but he had _cried_ with her and Yukino. It was weird, to say the least. She unlocked the door and stepped in her home, kicked her shoes off. Her mother was gone, at work. She was a nurse, and the two of them lived together in a relatively nice apartment.

Her mother and father were not together, they hadn't been for several years at this point. She had a younger brother, too. His name was Yuuto. He was a year and a half younger than she. Yuuto moved to live with his father after a court case three years ago, and then drifted out of contact with his mother and Yui herself. When she last saw him, Yuuto was thin and ornery, with unkempt raven black hair and fiery brown eyes. He had lied about her, and on the day he left he barely gave her a look over his shoulder before stepping into his father's car.

Yui shook herself out of her reverie; grabbed a kettle and filled it with water and set it on her stove to boil it. She had never been much of a tea drinker before the Volunteers Club, but she found herself growing a taste for the beverage Yukino often prepared for her and Hachiman. The taste reminded her of them, of her friends. Friends who were real and who actually cared about her. So she liked it.

She grabbed a mug, set it on the counter and noticed a folded note her mother had left her on the counter.

 _Yui, my darling,_

 _Tonight's the big night! You and Hikigaya are finally going on your date!  
_ _I know that you must be feeling worried after how the last few days have been,  
_ _but I promise things will be okay. I know you feel hurt and upset after  
_ _what he said at the ramen shack, and that you're afraid for him with  
_ _how unusual he's been acting, but give him patience and kindness.  
_ _He is coming into his own now, after so many years ignoring his own  
_ _opportunities to grow. He may have said hurtful things, but in the end  
_ _he is still human and he is willing to change for you. Seek to  
_ _understand him, and you too will be understood in time._

 _Love,  
_ _Your mother_

 _P.S. don't forget protection! I hope nothing happens but if it  
_ _does, it never hurts to be safe!_

A handful of condoms flopped out of the bottom of the folded papers, much to Yui's dismay. Her cheeks flushed at the mere thought of it! And the idea ofher mother thinking of her and a boy together like... _that_... Gross! And it wasn't a date at all, was it?

The kettle whistled, and with a jump she ran to pour her tea. Her mother's advice was still decent she decided. She left for her room, bringing her mug with her.

Maybe she really should be looking to support Hachiman through what he was going through instead of taking what he was saying personally. She should try to understand him, and to be there for him. Was that what he wanted? Would that mean she could at least hold onto his friendship? Would that help them move beyond the tenuous peace they had adopted? These things were a mystery - he was a mystery.

Yui shoved thoughts of the boy out of her head, she wanted to at least _try_ to relax for a while. She pulled her phone from her pocked, sipped at her tea, and started looking through the festival's web page. It had architecture from all over the world built in lights, a carnival, a planetarium made of lights, novelty American foods like... _deep fried Oreos_? That sounded positively disgusting! She had to try them!

Her phone alarm chimed - it was time to get ready for the festival. Yui pushed off from her bed and headed toward her closet.

* * *

Hachiman had been waiting at the train station for about four minutes when Yui arrived, in dark jeans with a band tee and a coat. She waved at the boy and he nodded at her. She awkwardly ran toward him and he slouched even further into the piece of wall he was leaning on.

"Yahallo Hikki," she smiled and waved at him, and came to an awkward stop, tripping over her own feet and tumbling toward the boy.

"Y-" he choked on his words, Yui had stuck her arms out to break her fall, and so her body had collided with his.

She had him pinned against the wall, now. They were flush together, his head tilted down at just the right angle to smell the conditioner she used. He yelped in surprise - or at least tried to. His lips were pressed to the redhead's forehead. He felt color flood to his cheeks as the girl yelped and pulled away from him. She squealed and backed away from him.

 _Stupid,_ her conscience chided her, _you do not even know how to walk correctly!_

"I-I'm sorry," she stammered, looking down at the floor. Her face burned, and she wished desperately to disappear.

Hachiman was silent, save for a huff and a breath he took before walking away. They quietly shuffled into the train. Neither of them were entirely ready to have a conversation at that moment. A few stops had gone by with silence between them; that was how he was she reminded herself, trying to sooth her damaged nerves. He wasn't the kind of person to really make conversation with anyone.

 _Was he always this distant?_

"S-so... Hikki," her voice sounded so small in her ears.

 _Do better idiot! Or else you'll ruin the entire night._

She reached for another topic, laughed nervously and stuttered, "What do you w-want to do when we get there? There's a carnival and rides and all kinds of lights and stuff!"

He was still quiet. Lost in thought, maybe? Her stomach growled. She may not have remembered to eat that day.

"Do you mind if we start with food? I might be feeling a little bit hungry. We should try fried oreos, they're an American snack the festival is offering and it sounds so yummy!"

He nodded and murmured distantly.

 _You're running around in circles for someone who doesn't even care that much! Just look at him, why did he even fight for this, show you everything he did on Friday... He just wanted to get your hopes up, didn't he?_

 _He doesn't even care, does he?_

"Oh come on," she whined, trying anything to get a hold of him, "it seems like it's so different it's at least worth trying!"

He sighed heavily, "That sounds disgusting..."

She forced herself to smile wider, "Buuuut! You'll still try them with me won't you, Hikki?"

"Fine."

Well, that was something at least...

 _Remember,_ she thought inward, _happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts._

The silence returned, but even after getting him to talk to her, it didn't feel any less awkward. Soon enough, their stop had come.

"Okay, Hikki! It's just a short walk from here, follow me. I have the directions on my phone," she had stood, and he remained sitting. Still daydreaming.

She waved a hand in front of his face, "Hikki?"

"Hmm?" He looked up from the window he was absently staring out of, "oh... Uh, sorry."

He stood up and they walked in silence. It had never felt so crushing to her before, the deep conversation Hachiman was known for. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky seemed colder than usual. A stiff wind blew against their faces, and they kept walking. Yui didn't speak, and the boy was looking away. Still in thought over whatever it was he had been mulling over. Whatever it was it had to be important, every gear in his head seemed to be turning full speed.

Neon lights, once single blots of colors began to separate and distinguish themselves. The green of a neon Christmas tree, the rainbow lights on the Ferris wheel...

The gold on the Eiffel Tower. Gold, like when she had confessed to him. Gold, the color of their ambiguous intimacy, their mystery dance that had been abandoned days ago.

He had called her selfish for wanting to make other people happy, called it stupid and impossible, and said she _would never be enough to make someone miserable at their core happy._

That one had stuck. Because what was he if not miserable? Ignoring or otherwise denying it maybe, but anyone who looked at him could plainly see it. The way he pushed everyone away from him, the ways he would always hurt the people around him - hurt himself - to get results, how broken he had looked when he tried to open up. Yui was never angry at him for giving her the advice he had, even if the words had been painful. She was hurting _for_ him because of what he said. Because meant that he didn't believe that someone who was miserable could be helped by the people around them.

He didn't believe in himself, in getting better. When she heard that, it became too painful, too familiar to be around him.

His quiet voice broke her monologue, "So... Oreos first?"

She looked at him and smiled, "Yes, please! My stomach is so empty!"

He nodded. The line for the festival was relatively short, they had made it before the bulk of the crowd. Silence settled again.

The lights cast Hachiman's face in a myriad of color, but did not seem to strike his body. His jaw was cast in reds and greens, light from the Christmas decorations that were just ahead of them. His lips and nose were cast in blues, and his eyes reflected the gold star on the Christmas tree. His eyes were focused on the star, and Yui followed his gaze to it.

"It's pretty," she breathed, "I really love Christmas decorations, don't you?"

"Yeah," he spoke quietly.

"Is the star your favorite part?"

"I guess."

Somewhere in the darkness below them, Yui's hand twitched to reach for his. The attendant at the ticket booth gestured for them to head up to the counter. The two bought their tickets and entered.

Wordlessly, Hachiman set off for one of the snack booths. Yui followed.

"Hello there! What can I get for you two?" The cashier smiled warmly.

Yui stepped forward, "Can we try the fried Oreos?"

"Absolutely! One order of fried Oreos? Will that be everything for you tonight?"

She nodded and quietly paid. A few moments later, in a small cardboard tray, came three breaded cookies with a light dusting of powdered sugar. She offered one to Hachiman first, then tentatively took a nibble from one herself. It was... actually not that bad? A bit rich maybe, but otherwise decent.

She swallowed a bite, "What do you think about them?"

"A bith shwee, buh guh," his speech was slightly muffled - he was talking with his mouth full.

"I think they aren't half bad," she smiled, breaking the third cookie in half and offering it to him. He took it.

They kept walking in silence. They had come to the architecture section. They had just passed the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Coliseum, the Taj Mahal, other famous buildings all recreated in neon lights.

The Oreos had long since been finished by this point, and still he made no move to talk to her or even act like she was there. To a stranger, it may well have looked like the two of them were only coincidentally walking side by side, not that they knew each other.

They had come to the Eiffel Tower.

Still, there was silence. It was getting to be overwhelming. She couldn't understand it, he seemed so much further away than the last time they had spoke. It felt like a betrayal for him to fight so hard for this to happen only to push himself further away. It was starting to be unbearable, to just go along with it.

 _This wasn't the way tonight was supposed to go._

She remembered what her mother told her in the letter - _seek to understand him_.

Yui stopped, stood in front of the dour young man, dug her feet into the ground, and finally filled the silence with something that meant _something_.

"I don't understand! You fought to be here, begged! You opened up to me, to Yukino! And now that you got what you wanted is it suddenly too much to even _try_ connect to me again? You've barely been here, I didn't _want_ to come here but I _did_ even after you hurt me! Hurt yourself! And yo-you... You seemed like you wanted to get better, _be_ better... I swallowed my hurt after everything you've said, _everything you've done_! And I came with you! But I just don't understand it. What are you thinking about? I can't see it... Why are you so far away?"

" _What do you want?_ " She wasn't looking at him now.

He was frozen. Silent. His chest was heaving and his eyes looked like those of a suffocating animal. A fish out of water.

She was starting to cry now, eyes cast to the floor.

"I-i-if it's because I-I-I... ran int," she sucked in a heavy, ragged, breath, "to yo-u, I said I wa-wa-was so-rry!"

He still said nothing.

 _How could he be so cold?_

"Y-y-you sai-id tha-that you d-di-didn't wan-t to hu-hurt m-me any-anymore. Pl-please say," another heavy gasp, "s-s-something."

He drew a shuddering breath. Brown eyes turned lightly pinked from shed tears looked up to meet his face. The sobbing girl quieted marginally.

The Eiffel tower, monochrome, bathed the two in golden light.

His eyes began to shimmer in fear, in grief, in hope.

"I... I - what I want... I've never wanted empty words or friendship, or even mutual understanding or companionship. I don't want anything like that... Nothing like that. I don't care about being understood! _I just want to understand. Understand, know, and rest easy in that knowledge. To have some peace of mind_. I want to know people inside and out because I am terrified of being in the dark, of being alone. And I know, I _know_ that wanting it because I'm afraid is a self-indulgent, egotistic, despicable, and arrogant wish! I feel sick to my stomach knowing I want something so disgusting..."

He paused and gasped for air, tears began to trickle down his face. Yui stood just further than arm's length away from him. Silent tears ran down her face as she watched him gather himself together.

"But... But if it's even possible, at all! To share that desire - if it's even possible for two people to burden one another - freely - with that _repulsive_ self gratification... I know that it's o-out of my reach. But even so-" he took another breath and cleared his throat. His voice was thick with emotion, "even so... I-I just want something... _Genuine_."

Yui's eyes widened with realization. She took a step closer to him, but he did not come any closer. He was openly crying, and his head was hung low. He didn't even see her coming to him. Hadn't even been able to fathom the idea of someone breaking through to him and pulling him out from the place he had been trapped in.

 _She had to show him._

Yui took another step forward. Another. And another. She was so close to him now, she could smell... _cologne_? He did care. He cared enough to put in effort, that was proof! In all the time she had known him, he had never owned cologne. He even said so before, and did so proudly. He had bought that cologne for _tonight_. She had thought he didn't care at all, and he had completely broken that conception. He cared, cared so much. But he didn't understand any of the ways to express it.

A pair of arms wrapped around Hachiman's sides. A hand guided his hanging head to a soft shoulder, caressed and stroked his hair as his tears intensified. She was crying happy tears now.

"I'm here, Hikki. You have me. Understand me. Take me. Let me understand you..." She sniffled, stifled a sob as she tangled her fingers in his hair, squeezed him tightly to her, "please take me."

His arms finally came up from his sides, wrapped around her as tightly as she had wrapped around him. He held onto her with shaking hands, hands that barely touched her despite how tightly he squeezed.

He was _afraid_. Afraid that if he touched her, she would turn to dust and disappear. He was so used to being alone that even now, he was afraid of it.

She understood. She finally understood.

"I want to be here, I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to Hikki." She was cupping his face now, both of them had begun to come down, they were no longer crying.

He voice was a heady rasp in her ear, "Then don't go. Please."

Their foreheads were pressed together now, their eyes closed. He ran his hands along her back, left one there and brought the other to gently touch her cheeks. She leaned into the touch. What happened next was not entirely clear to either of them. But it didn't matter.

The lips of Hachiman Hikigaya met those of Yui Yuigahama, and the two of them were bathed in golden lights, drunk on one another.

* * *

 **A/N: It turned out a lot shorter than I was hoping, but this chapter has seriously given me the WORST writer's block of my life. There are so many different takes and tries I ran through it looked like I was beginning to run out of options, and I honestly considered scrapping this fic for a moment. But! I found the story again, and here we are. I finally have a battle plan for this fanfic, I think.**

 **Thank you so much, to everybody. For waiting for this, for reading, for reviewing, for following, for favoriting, for PMing me asking me to keep going. Each and every one of you have been on my mind as I grit my teeth and tried to find the story again. I hope all of you have a wonderful day or night, no matter where you are.**


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